Individuals and the environment: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
213 words. Marked by Axiom on 24 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2213 words
Some people say that what people do to protect the environment cannot make a difference. Others say that individuals can help to protect the environment. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Some individuals contend that personal attempts to protect the environment will not have an impact.Conversely,others believe that their efforts can help to protect the environment and i truly agree with this opinion.
It takes a long time to remedy it.For instance,researchers should collect examples and analyze of vast various things.These problems need a big organizations,who can offer the newest technologies and devices to solve it.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the one hand, it is evident that addressing major environmental issues such as global warming and deforestation cannot be solely managed by individuals.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and better connection to the following ideas.
Lexical resource
RevisedSolving these problems is not solely dependent on individual actions, as they require a collective effort and extensive activities.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and natural collocation of words.
Firstly,a group of volunteers can organize a day without using vehicles,instead of it they can use their bicycles.This activity can help by reducing gas emissions,which is produced by cars.Secondly, while shopping individuals should not use plastic materials,such as plastic bottles or pockets.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedConversely, individuals can play a significant role in addressing smaller environmental issues.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise expression of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFor example, it can benefit both our health and the environment.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and provides a more accurate expression of the idea.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedUsing a bicycle can benefit our health by promoting blood circulation and allowing fresh air to flow into our lungs.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and provides a more accurate expression of the idea.
Lexical resource
RevisedThey can opt for eco-friendly materials that are recyclable and contribute to the protection of nature.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and natural collocation of words.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, while addressing large-scale environmental issues may be inefficient, individuals can certainly make a significant impact by addressing smaller problems.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise conclusion, restating the main points and the author's opinion.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and restating the opinion.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to restate your opinion in the conclusion and summarize the main points.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, it is evident that addressing major environmental issues such as global warming and deforestation cannot be solely managed by individuals.
The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and better connection to the following ideas.
RevisedConversely, individuals can play a significant role in addressing smaller environmental issues.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise expression of the idea.
RevisedIn conclusion, while addressing large-scale environmental issues may be inefficient, individuals can certainly make a significant impact by addressing smaller problems.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise conclusion, restating the main points and the author's opinion.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. However, these do not impede communication. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures and shows a good command of grammar and punctuation. However, there are some errors in verb tense, subject-verb agreement, and sentence structure that could be revised for clarity and accuracy. Additionally, the use of more complex grammatical structures could help to strengthen the argument.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedSome individuals contend that personal attempts to protect the environment are ineffectual.
The revised sentence corrects the use of the future tense and provides a more accurate expression of the idea.
RevisedFor example, it can benefit both our health and the environment.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and provides a more accurate expression of the idea.
RevisedUsing a bicycle can benefit our health by promoting blood circulation and allowing fresh air to flow into our lungs.
The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and provides a more accurate expression of the idea.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of vocabulary related to the environment. However, there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be revised for clarity and accuracy. Additionally, the use of more varied and precise language could help to strengthen the argument.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOn the one hand, it is evident that individuals alone are not capable of addressing major environmental issues such as global warming and deforestation.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and natural collocation of words.
RevisedSolving these problems is not solely dependent on individual actions, as they require a collective effort and extensive activities.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and natural collocation of words.
RevisedThey can opt for eco-friendly materials that are recyclable and contribute to the protection of nature.
The revised sentence provides a more accurate and natural collocation of words.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both views and providing the writer's opinion. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and restating the opinion.
Suggestions
- Ensure that the argument is fully developed and supported with specific examples.
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