Reasons for absence from work: IELTS Task 1 answer #1, band 7.0

The bar chart compares the proportional of results by their surveys on absenteeism in one European country between 2000, 2005 and 2010. Overall, there was upward trends in stress, personal needs and unexpected problems , whereas illness and family responsibilities show with decreasing percentages throughout the timeframe. It is also worth noting that illness stood out as the most popular reason for not going to work although it dropped over the given years, while the reverse was true for stress.

Starting with increasing patterns, personal needs accounted for 15%, as opposed to unexpected problems at 10% in 2000. In the subsequent year, both showed marked rise to around 23% in personal needs and 18% in unexpected problems. However, the difference became insignificant, with the figure for the former dropping of 20% and that for the latter remaining more or less unchanged at 18%. As for stress, starting at almost 6% in 2000, it went down to 5% before hitting its high peak of 14% in the final year.

1. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedIn 2000, personal needs accounted for 15%, while unexpected problems stood at 10%.

   This revision simplifies the sentence structure and improves the flow by using a more varied time reference and reducing redundancy.

2. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedIn 2005, both showed a marked increase, rising to around 23% for personal needs and 18% for unexpected problems.

   Using a specific year instead of 'the subsequent year' improves the clarity and makes the timeline more precise for the reader.

3. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedStarting at almost 6% in 2000, stress went down to 5% before reaching a peak of 14% in 2010.

   This revision clarifies the timeline by using the specific year of 2010 instead of 'the final year', improving the coherence of the narrative.

In contrast, a different picture can be observed in the remaining others. Both illness and family responsibilities exhibited downward trends over the time period. Illness made up staggering 45%, in comparison with family responsibilities, at almost 30% in the initial year shown. In 2005, both of them declined to 40% and 23%, respectively. While illness continued constant decrease to 35%, family responsibilities stabilized at 23% in 2010.

1. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedIn contrast, a different pattern can be observed in the remaining reasons.

   The phrase 'remaining others' is too vague - specifying 'reasons' makes it clear what you are referring to.

2. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedBoth illness and family responsibilities showed a decreasing trend over the time period.

   The phrase 'exhibited downward trends' is a bit formal and could be simplified to 'showed a decreasing trend' for better clarity and naturalness.

3. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedIllness accounted for a staggering 45%, compared to family responsibilities at almost 30% in the initial year.

   The phrase 'made up' is more commonly used to mean 'comprise' or 'constitute' and is more formal in this context. Additionally, 'the initial year' could be made more specific by referring to 2000.

4. Grammar & accuracy

   Close revision note

   RevisedWhile the rate of illness continued to decrease to 35%, family responsibilities stabilized at 23% in 2010.

   The phrase 'continued constant decrease' is grammatically incorrect. The revision provides the correct structure and improves the clarity and precision of the sentence.