Small income gaps and happiness: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 7.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
357 words. Marked by Axiom on 10 January 2025. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2357 words
Many people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is to ensure that there are only small differences in earning between the richest and the poorest members. To what extent do you agree or diagree?
People have suggested many different ways to create perfect societies. Some people argue that one way to develop happier communities is to make sure that the earning gap between the poor and the rich should be kept to minimum. I firmly disagree with this view as it was proven unsuccessful in history and there are other ways to produce a pleased society.
If people know that it is impossible to earn more than a certain degree, they will most probably stop working hard and putting in extra efforts. This, in turn, halts innovation and development of economy, eventually leading the nation to a crisis. Both of these countries also advocated the idea of economic equality of people and yet failed to build competitive economies.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe primary reason why this proposed strategy does not work is that it discourages competition between individuals.
The use of 'because' is more informal and 'that' is more appropriate in this context.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedPeople need an incentive to be creative and to strive for progress.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and natural.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedHistory has seen countries with a communist ideology, where authorities emphasized equality for all and promised a perfect life for the people.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and natural.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe former Soviet Union and contemporary North Korea can be pertinent examples in point.
The word 'partinent' is not appropriate in this context. 'Pertinent' is the correct word to use.
If people could earn as much as they can through their efforts and innovation, there would always be competition. Many businesses and services compete against each other to gain customers in order to maximize their revenues. As a result, nation thrives through development and innovation as every business tries to creates new products or tries to improve their quality. Examples of such capitalistic countries, such as the US, Germany, the UK and many other nations with strong economies and currencies, suggest that there should be no restrictions on the amount of money people make.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedInstead, I believe there should be no limit on the amount of earnings that people can make.
The use of 'that' is more formal and appropriate in this context.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, I disagree with the belief that the best way to create a perfect society is to minimize the disparity between the earnings of the richest and poorest members of society, as it has discouraged competition in the past, which has led to the devastation of many nations.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise conclusion, and the use of 'as' instead of 'which' helps to improve the flow of ideas.
Lexical resource
RevisedI would propose to give people more freedom in terms of how much they can earn.
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion are clearly identifiable. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe primary reason why this proposed strategy does not work is that it discourages competition between individuals.
The use of 'because' is more informal and 'that' is more appropriate in this context.
RevisedInstead, I believe there should be no limit on the amount of earnings that people can make.
The use of 'that' is more formal and appropriate in this context.
RevisedIn conclusion, I disagree with the belief that the best way to create a perfect society is to minimize the disparity between the earnings of the richest and poorest members of society, as it has discouraged competition in the past, which has led to the devastation of many nations.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise conclusion, and the use of 'as' instead of 'which' helps to improve the flow of ideas.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions that could be improved.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedPeople need an incentive to be creative and to strive for progress.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and natural.
RevisedHistory has seen countries with a communist ideology, where authorities emphasized equality for all and promised a perfect life for the people.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and natural.
RevisedThe former Soviet Union and contemporary North Korea can serve as pertinent examples.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and natural.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. A variety of vocabulary and idiomatic expressions are used appropriately. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice.
Sentence revisions 2
RevisedThe former Soviet Union and contemporary North Korea can be pertinent examples in point.
The word 'partinent' is not appropriate in this context. 'Pertinent' is the correct word to use.
RevisedI would propose to give people more freedom in terms of how much they can earn.
The revised sentence is more clear and natural.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout the response. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the introduction could be more engaging and the conclusion could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Consider revising the introduction to make it more engaging and to provide a clearer thesis statement.
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