Small income gaps and happiness: IELTS Task 2 essay #5, band 8.0

Many people argue that minimizing the income gap between the richest and the poorest members of society is the most effective way to create a happier community. However, achieving such equality is extremely difficult and arguably unrealistic, as people who work harder and make greater efforts to earn money naturally tend to become wealthier. I strongly disagree with this view because there are far more important factors that contribute to a fulfilled society, such as access to quality education, a safe living environment, and an advanced healthcare system.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedHowever, achieving such equality is extremely difficult and arguably unrealistic, as people who work harder and make greater efforts to earn money often tend to accumulate wealth.

   The revised sentence corrects the minor error in parallel structure (i.e., 'tend to become wealthier' should be 'tend to accumulate wealth') and improves the overall clarity of the sentence.

It is natural for people’s income levels to differ depending on several factors, such as their level of education, ambition to earn money, and professional experience. This means that achieving complete financial equality between educated and uneducated individuals is nearly impossible, particularly in today’s technology-driven world, where higher education is often essential for increasing one’s income. Furthermore, people’s determination to work harder and earn more naturally leads to differences in salary levels. Another major factor contributing to income inequality is professional experience, as less experienced workers are generally unable to benefit from their professions to the same extent as highly skilled specialists. Rarely do we see individuals earning high salaries without possessing these three qualities: strong educational backgrounds, ambition, and relevant experience in their field. Therefore, some degree of income inequality is unavoidable because people differ significantly in their skills, qualifications, and levels of effort.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedTherefore, some degree of income inequality is unavoidable, as people differ significantly in their skills, qualifications, and levels of effort.

   The revised sentence provides a smoother transition between ideas by using a more effective linking word (i.e., 'as').

One of the most effective ways to make people happier with their lifestyles is to provide them with quality and affordable education. When individuals have access to such opportunities, they are less likely to compare themselves with wealthy people; instead, they tend to appreciate the educational equality that exists between rich and poor members of society. This can only be achieved by offering the same standard of education to everyone regardless of their income level, without discrimination. For instance, Uzbekistan can serve as a clear example, where every citizen has the right to receive education in the same environment. Such practices make people feel satisfied with their government and society. However, in some countries, only people from privileged backgrounds are able to access quality education, while disadvantaged individuals are left uneducated. As a result, many people feel socially isolated and dissatisfied with their standard of living.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedOne of the most effective ways to improve people's quality of life is by providing them with access to quality and affordable education.

   The revised sentence uses more appropriate language to convey the idea, as 'improve people's quality of life' is more accurate than 'make people happier with their lifestyles'.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThis can be achieved by offering the same standard of education to everyone, regardless of their income level, and without discrimination.

   The revised sentence improves the flow by rearranging the phrase 'regardless of their income level' and 'without discrimination', making the ideas more coherent and easier to understand.

Another effective way to create a society in which people feel satisfied with their lives is to ensure public safety. When individuals feel secure, they are able to work, study, and live freely without constant fear, which ultimately contributes to a greater sense of happiness. By increasing government spending on national security, placing security officers in public areas, and enforcing strict laws against criminal activities, authorities can strengthen citizens’ trust in the state. For instance, Switzerland is often regarded as one of the safest countries in the world, and its population consistently reports high levels of happiness because people are able to enjoy freedom and privacy in a secure environment. In contrast, Ethiopia is frequently considered one of the least safe countries, where limited security and instability negatively affect people’s quality of life and overall satisfaction.

Last but not least, an advanced and accessible healthcare system plays a crucial role in creating a happy society. Although many countries have made significant improvements to their healthcare systems with the help of modern technology, some nations still struggle to develop this sector effectively. When people are given equal access to healthcare services regardless of their financial background, they tend to feel more satisfied because quality healthcare is one of the most essential needs of society. If individuals are able to access both basic medical treatment and advanced healthcare services, they are more likely to feel satisfied with their government and overall quality of life. Owing to technological developments, many countries now possess sophisticated medical equipment that assists doctors in performing complex surgeries and treating previously incurable diseases, including cancer and serious heart or brain conditions. According to a survey conducted by Australian psychologists, people tend to experience the highest levels of fulfillment when they have convenient access to healthcare services compared to other public facilities. Therefore, improving the healthcare system is one of the most effective ways to make society happier.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedLastly, an advanced and accessible healthcare system plays a crucial role in fostering societal happiness.

   The revised sentence corrects the minor error in word choice (i.e., 'creating' should be 'fostering') and uses more formal language (i.e., 'societal happiness' instead of 'happy society').

In conclusion, although some people believe that reducing the income gap between the rich and the poor can contribute to a happier society, I believe that there are far more important factors influencing people’s well-being, including access to quality education, a safe living environment, and an advanced healthcare system.