Small homes without outdoor space: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
315 words. Marked by Axiom on 22 September 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2315 words
With growing number of population in cities many people are living in small homes that do not have outdoor spaces. Is this a positive or negative development?
In our fast-paced world, the proportion of the population is soaring. There's a view that nowadays people's houses take very little space, leaving no place for outdoor facilities.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAlthough I believe this tendency is negative, the opposing viewpoint is also worth considering.
The phrase 'the opposing site worth to be discussed' is not clear. It should be 'the opposing viewpoint is also worth considering.'
It is true that this approach is convenient for some who are overoccupied with work. Nowadays, a lot of people are snowed under paperwork, so cleaning up the garden makes them feel more anxious, contributing to their level of exhaustion. Having some space from external part of the house allows people to do recreational activities connecting themselves with nature. These include Yoga and gardening.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedHowever, lack of space impedes the process of getting fresh air and can make people feel isolated from the outside world.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more concise and uses more appropriate language.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis is especially vital for children, as it allows them to observe the planet and their surroundings through various recreational activities.
The original sentence is a bit awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
Lexical resource
RevisedThese activities not only benefit people's health, but also enhance their overall well-being.
The term 'establishments' is not the most appropriate choice in this context. The revised sentence uses 'activities' which is more suitable.
Besides that, having no outdoor space is financially-effective. Gardening or planting require special tools and care which might turn costly for the people with an average income, unlike the rich. Admittedly, in our polluted planet gardening is one of the ways to hinder the problem of air pollution. Apart from that, trees cool the air, creating more space to relax in hot weather.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAlthough this approach is beneficial for some people, it is generally better to have some environmentally-friendly green spaces.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear, and it also corrects the awkward phrasing of the original.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedTrees absorb carbon dioxide and emit fresh oxygen, which can help people recover from respiratory diseases.
The verb 'observe' is not appropriate in this context. The revised sentence uses 'absorb' which is more suitable.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThis development helps address a global problem while also making homes more attractive.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more concise and uses more appropriate language.
In conclusion, having outdoor spaces is a double-edged sword. While it creates more green areas and improves our physical health, it might be problematic for some as they need to allocate special care and spend some money.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. Clearer topic sentences and more explicit linking phrases would help guide the reader through the essay. Ensuring consistent punctuation and spacing will also improve readability.
Suggestions
- Use more linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAlthough I believe this tendency is negative, the opposing viewpoint is also worth considering.
The phrase 'the opposing site worth to be discussed' is not clear. It should be 'the opposing viewpoint is also worth considering.'
RevisedThis is especially vital for children, as it allows them to observe the planet and their surroundings through various recreational activities.
The original sentence is a bit awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more concise and clear.
RevisedAlthough this approach is beneficial for some people, it is generally better to have some environmentally-friendly green spaces.
The revised sentence is more concise and clear, and it also corrects the awkward phrasing of the original.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. For example, "This approach is a special vital for children" should be "This approach is especially vital for children," and "making the decoration of the house more attractive" should be "making the house more attractive." Paying closer attention to grammatical accuracy, including correct verb forms and preposition usage, will improve the overall quality of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHowever, lack of space impedes the process of getting fresh air and can make people feel isolated from the outside world.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more concise and uses more appropriate language.
RevisedTrees absorb carbon dioxide and emit fresh oxygen, which can help people recover from respiratory diseases.
The verb 'observe' is not appropriate in this context. The revised sentence uses 'absorb' which is more suitable.
RevisedThis development helps address a global problem while also making homes more attractive.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revised sentence is more concise and uses more appropriate language.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. For example, "snowed under paperwork" could be rephrased as "overwhelmed by paperwork," and "special vital" should be "especially vital." Improving lexical precision and variety will enhance the clarity and professionalism of the essay. Additionally, ensuring correct spelling and grammar usage will improve overall readability.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedA lot of people are overwhelmed by paperwork, so maintaining the garden can be stressful for them.
The phrase 'snowed under paperwork' is a bit informal and may not be clear to all readers. The revised sentence uses more standard language.
RevisedThis is especially vital for children.
The phrase 'a special vital' is not idiomatic. The revised sentence is more natural.
RevisedThese activities not only benefit people's health, but also enhance their overall well-being.
The term 'establishments' is not the most appropriate choice in this context. The revised sentence uses 'activities' which is more suitable.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the topic by discussing both the convenience of small homes for people with busy lives and the importance of outdoor spaces for children's well-being. The writer presents a clear position that the trend towards small homes is negative, but also acknowledges the benefits for some people. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive. The essay would benefit from a more detailed exploration of the trade-offs between convenience and access to nature, as well as a more thorough discussion of potential solutions.
Suggestions
- Make sure to fully develop your argument and support it with relevant examples and evidence.
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