Small homes without outdoor space: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 8.0

Since metropolises' infrastructure is designed to facilitate as many dwellers as possible, it is being done by utilizing cramped apartments devoid of sufficient outdoor settings. As much as I understand the reasons why this phenomenon usually brings about heated debates, though being justified on several grounds, I, however, believe that it is a change for the worse.

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   RevisedWhile I understand the heated debates this phenomenon can provoke, and the justifications that exist for it, I still believe it is a negative development.

   The sentence was a bit awkward and could be made more clear.

One of the pending issues of cities is the ever-increasing demand for accommodation sufficiency due to an influx of migrants coming from rural parts, mostly in search of job opportunities or better lifestyle. The primary responsibility is often burdened by governmental bodies, and in some cases private entities step in to erect high-rise complexes to accommodate hundreds of residents by occupying less space. This way, hubs are originated once surrounded by important amenities such as shops, services, and recreational areas as a result of this development, thus, in turn, fostering local economy. Furthermore, it is common to witness gardens and botanical parks to be employed in city centers to compensate inadequate spaces per resident to enjoy the greenery and provide an escape from work.

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   RevisedThis, in turn, fosters the local economy as hubs are developed around important amenities such as shops, services, and recreational areas.

   The sentence was a bit confusing and could be made more clear.

Having said that, as efficient as it may seem, I tend to agree with the view that the status quo in the future in cities might not be favorable if constructions never cease to linger at the cost of homes with small gardens. In other words, city’s expansion or new layout usually requires to eradicate conventional buildings with an additional space with flora to make way for skyscrapers, disposing of so-called “the lung” of cities. Not only does this trend exacerbate air pollution, but only triggers the prevalence of noise pollution in neighborhoods due to destructions. Last but not least, having been in such cramped residence settings, one usually shows no tendency to work or study efficiently once alienated from greenery and spacious spots, which might cause stress and anxiety, thus making it unfavorable development as a whole.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn other words, the city's expansion or new layout often requires the demolition of conventional buildings to make way for skyscrapers, thus reducing the green spaces that act as the city's 'lung'.

   The sentence was a bit long and the idea was not expressed as clearly as it could be.

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   RevisedThis trend not only exacerbates air pollution but also increases noise pollution in neighborhoods due to demolitions.

   The sentence was a bit awkward and the word 'destinations' was not the most appropriate choice.

3. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedLastly, living in such cramped spaces can hinder people's ability to work or study efficiently, leading to increased stress and anxiety. This makes the development overall unfavorable.

   The sentence was a bit long and the idea was not expressed as clearly as it could be.

In conclusion, true, cities often deploy high-rise apartments to supply residents for millions, satisfying the demands, I, however, believe that if continued, the emergence of negative repercussions might be the case to deal with, further aggravating the current situation.

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while cities often build high-rise apartments to meet the demands of millions and satisfy their needs, I believe that if this continues, it could lead to more negative repercussions and further aggravate the current situation.

   The sentence was a bit awkward and could be made more clear.