Small homes without outdoor space: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
236 words. Marked by Axiom on 5 August 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2236 words
With growing number of population in cities many people are living in small homes that do not have outdoor spaces. Is this a positive or negative development?
Lexical resource
RevisedThe rise in urban population density has compelled people to reside in diminutive dwellings with scant outdoor spaces.
The revised sentence uses more formal and precise language to convey the same meaning.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn my perspective, this development is more negative than positive.
The revised sentence provides a more precise and formal expression of the writer's opinion.
One of the main disadvantages of small houses with limited outdoor space is a lack of social interactions. In addition, a lack of communal outdoor areas can further limit social engagement with neighbors and the community.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIt may lead to strained relationships and reduced communication with loved ones.
The word 'less' should be replaced with 'reduced' to maintain parallel structure.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAs a result, children lack the opportunity to enjoy playing sports with their friends, which can also impact their ability to make friends.
The revision clarifies the causal relationship, making the argument more precise and easier to follow.
Furthermore, it can also lead to some negative effects, such as an increased level of anxiety and reduced overall happiness.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, the reduced quality of life in small houses presents a significant concern.
The revised sentence provides a clearer transition to the contrasting point.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe lack of outdoor spaces can restrict opportunities for gardening or physical activity, which are conducive to holistic health and well-being.
The revised sentence uses more formal and precise language to convey the same meaning.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThese factors can significantly compromise residents' health and well-being.
The phrase 'life-shortening among residents' is awkward and unclear. The revised sentence provides a more precise and natural expression of the intended meaning.
With limited space and escalating property prices, many individuals and families find themselves residing in smaller homes.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedThey cannot afford to purchase large luxury houses or apartments in the city center due to escalating property prices.
The original sentence is grammatically correct but the use of 'such' and 'huge' is a little informal and vague. The revised sentence provides a more precise and formal expression of the intended meaning.
Living in isolated houses with limited outdoor spaces can lead to some negatives, such as a lack of socialization and a poor quality of life.
Lexical resource
RevisedIn conclusion, the predicament of urban overcrowding and the prevalence of compact living spaces is a mounting apprehension in numerous cities.
The revised sentence uses more formal and precise language to convey the same meaning.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few areas where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but the transition between discussing the disadvantages and advantages could be smoother. The introduction and conclusion effectively link the limited outdoor space to the overall quality of life, but the body paragraphs could be more cohesive. Using more explicit transitional phrases could help clarify the progression of your arguments. Additionally, integrating the discussion of solutions more seamlessly into the main body of the essay would enhance overall cohesion.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to improve the flow of your ideas.
- Make sure that each paragraph has a clear central topic.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedHowever, the reduced quality of life in small houses presents a significant concern.
The revised sentence provides a clearer transition to the contrasting point.
RevisedIn my perspective, this development is more negative than positive.
The revised sentence provides a more precise and formal expression of the writer's opinion.
RevisedAs a result, children lack the opportunity to enjoy playing sports with their friends, which can also impact their ability to make friends.
The revision clarifies the causal relationship, making the argument more precise and easier to follow.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay shows a good control of a range of grammatical structures, with only minor errors. However, there are a few sentences that could be more clearly expressed. The essay showcases a variety of grammatical structures with a high level of accuracy. However, there are minor errors and awkward phrasings that could be refined. For instance, the phrase "a lack of socialization and a poor quality of life" could be more smoothly expressed as "limited opportunities for socialization and a diminished quality of life." Paying attention to these details would enhance the overall quality of your writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIt may lead to strained relationships and reduced communication with loved ones.
The word 'less' should be replaced with 'reduced' to maintain parallel structure.
RevisedThese factors can significantly compromise residents' health and well-being.
The phrase 'life-shortening among residents' is awkward and unclear. The revised sentence provides a more precise and natural expression of the intended meaning.
RevisedThey cannot afford to purchase large luxury houses or apartments in the city center due to escalating property prices.
The original sentence is grammatically correct but the use of 'such' and 'huge' is a little informal and vague. The revised sentence provides a more precise and formal expression of the intended meaning.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a good range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. You demonstrate a good command of vocabulary with terms like "limited outdoor areas," "strained relationships," and "overall well-being." To improve, consider using more varied language to describe the concept of limited outdoor spaces and their impact. For example, instead of repeating "limited outdoor areas," you could use phrases like "constrained external environments" or "compact living spaces." This would not only showcase a wider vocabulary but also add more depth to your discussion.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe rise in urban population density has compelled people to reside in diminutive dwellings with scant outdoor spaces.
The revised sentence uses more formal and precise language to convey the same meaning.
RevisedThe lack of outdoor spaces can restrict opportunities for gardening or physical activity, which are conducive to holistic health and well-being.
The revised sentence uses more formal and precise language to convey the same meaning.
RevisedIn conclusion, the predicament of urban overcrowding and the prevalence of compact living spaces is a mounting apprehension in numerous cities.
The revised sentence uses more formal and precise language to convey the same meaning.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific evidence or examples to support the arguments. For instance, when discussing the impact on children, you could provide a specific example or study to enhance the credibility of your argument. Additionally, integrating a discussion of potential counterarguments or alternative perspectives would provide a more balanced view.
Suggestions
- Try to include specific, relevant examples to support your arguments.
- Consider addressing potential counterarguments to provide a more balanced view.
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