Mobile phones in public places: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 6.5

Nowadays,mobile phones have become an ordinary day-to-day part of life to that extent that it's difficult to image going anywhere without one,Due to this,Lots of people debate that they should be banned in public places like libraries,shops and public transportation,because it may be bothering others.Personally,I don't fully agree with this thought but I do get where it's coming from.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedNowadays, mobile phones have become an ordinary part of daily life to such an extent that it's difficult to imagine life without one. As a result, many people argue that they should be banned in public places like libraries, shops, and public transportation, as they can be a source of disturbance for others.

   The revision corrects the run-on sentence and punctuation errors, making the text more readable and grammatically accurate.

To start with,it's true that phones can be annoying in public.Most people probably have experienced sitting on a train or bus while a stranger next to them is having a loud conversation on their phone,or just watching something without their headphones on.In places like libraries,where silence is the expected scenario,Even a phone call can irritate people who are trying to concentrate or learn.So there is a real problem that needs to be acknowledged.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn places like libraries, where silence is the expected norm, even a phone call can irritate people who are trying to concentrate or learn.

   The phrase 'silence is the expected norm' is more natural and accurate in this context.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedSo, there is a real problem that needs to be acknowledged.

   The revision adds a comma after 'so' to correct the punctuation error and improve the flow of the sentence.

However,Banning phones all together seems like an an extreme solution to what is just an issue of manners and poor choices rather than the technology on its own.Phones in modern times is used for much more than just for calls,it's also used for translation,directions,bank accounts and so much more.If phones were banned in shops or transport,it would be a huge inconvenience,maybe even outweigh the initial problem of noise.In addition,I think the real issue is behavior,not the device.A person can be just as disruptive with a loud conversation with a friend or an acquaintance in real life,but we don't and can't ban talking in public.What we need instead are clearer and stricter social rules,like phones on silent in libraries,or maintaining silence on the bus.These kind of small changes deal with the actual problem instead of creating a bigger one.In conclusion,while u understand the anger and reason behind wanting Mobile phones to be banned in public spaces,I believe this isn't a fair or a realistic solution.It would be better to focus on encouraging to follow the rules and proper behavior,instead of banning phones easily,which are a necessity in day to day life these times.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThese types of small changes directly address the actual problem, rather than creating a bigger one.

   The revision provides a clearer and more formal expression of the idea.