Growing city populations: IELTS Task 2 essay #4, band 5.5

According to statistical data, the figure for people who are now choosing to live in urban areas is dramatically increasing. So, in many parts of the world, big cities is experiencing the state of urban overpopulation. This issue is contributing many other concerns for both societies and environment. However, it is possible to deal with this problem if proper measures are taken by governments and individuals.

Overpopulation can affect the cities economically, socially and more importantly, environmentally. One of the primary economic issues created by the state of overcrowding can be increasing rate of unemployment. To clarify, more and more people want to reside in urban areas mainly because, cities have much to offer such as, better career opportunities and outstanding education system. Once individuals start to live urban areas, available vacancies may not be adequate. Therefore, those people can struggle to find well paid jobs. As a result, they will have no options other than committing crimes. This can lead to the issue of unemployment in cities, which can directly result in poverty in society. Poverty can possibly outbreak in conditions where there are not enough affordable housing. Another problem caused by an increase in urban population can be poor education. To be specific, People want to have their children educated in high quality institutions. If everyone's children arebthough in city school, the number of students studying in single class may exceed more than average. This can put considerable strain on education systems in those areas, meaning individuals may not be able to get quality education. Also overpopulation can affect other areas of social life such as, healthcare system, food supplies and traffic problems. Moreover, one main negative impact the problem of crowdedness can have on environment is recourse depletion. In other words, rapid population growing make the demands of individuals increase. Therefore, there may not be enough food , clean water, land and energy supplies to setisfy those demands. When people use more recourses, it can directly lead to pollution and climate change as a consequence of waste materials they are disposing. These are some of main concerns increasing urban pollution is resulting in.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOverpopulation can have significant effects on cities, including economic, social, and environmental aspects.

   The revised sentence provides a smoother transition and more clarity on the aspects being discussed.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedTo clarify, more and more people are drawn to urban areas mainly because these areas offer much more than just better career opportunities and an outstanding education system.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward construction and improves the clarity of the point being made.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedPoverty may potentially arise in situations where there is a lack of affordable housing.

   The revised sentence uses more appropriate and formal language to convey the same meaning.

4. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAlso, overpopulation can impact other areas of social life, such as the healthcare system, food supplies, and traffic congestion.

   The revised sentence corrects the list format and improves the clarity of the point being made.

Turning into solutions, providing better living opportunities can be one possible measurement to tackle this condition. To explain, individuals offen change their place to urban areas since responsible bodies cannot meet human needs in terms of finance economy. In this case, those people will have to move cities in order to get better facilities and job opportunities. If government tries to provide their residents with these facilities, they may continue to live in the countryside. This also can allow to improve agriculture and lifestyle in rural areas. Another potential solution can be encouraging people to use their private cars less and promoting the usage of public transport instead. By doing this, authorities may be able to reduce traffic jams occuring in highway especially in rush hours. This, which in turn help to reduce methane emissions released by cars. One urgent action government should take is generating sustainable energy from renewable sources such as, wind or sun. This measurement can enable to people use the natural resources of Earth less, avoiding delation of non renewable recourses due to overuse.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOne potential solution to this problem is to provide better living opportunities.

   The revised sentence is more concise and clear, and it also uses a more appropriate word choice.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIf the government strives to provide these facilities for their residents, it could encourage them to remain in the countryside.

   The revised sentence uses more appropriate language and word choice to convey the same meaning.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThis, in turn, helps to reduce the release of methane emissions from cars.

   The revised sentence corrects the sentence structure and improves the clarity of the point being made.

In conclusion, more population in urban areas is becoming a considerable issue for the globe. Although this is also causing other problems such as, unemployment, pollution and traffic jams, it can be tackled by making some changes ,for example, improve quality of life in countryside, encouraging the usage of public transportation and producing environmentally friendly power.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, the increasing population in urban areas is becoming a significant global issue.

   The revised sentence provides a more accurate and formal conclusion to the essay.