Growing city populations: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
337 words. Marked by Axiom on 2 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2337 words
The population in cities is growing rapidly. What are the effects of it? What solutions can you give to maintain a good quality of life in urban areas?
With the rise of population, . This trend can be attributed to several opportunities, such as economic development and cultural integration. However, such a phenomenon has profound effects on population and society.
Lexical resource
Revisedcities have become more habitable for people
The term 'available to live' is not appropriate in this context. 'Habitable' is a more suitable term.
For instance, traffic congestion in cities like Mumbai and Los-Angelos results in rush hours, leaving commuters standing shoulder-to-shoulder and increasing pollution.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOne primary effect of population growth in cities is the pressure on public services and infrastructure.
The preposition 'among in' is incorrect and makes the sentence unclear.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedUrban amenities, such as healthcare, education, and transportation, often fail to meet the needs of the rapidly growing population.
The definite article 'the' is needed before 'rapidly growing population' to make the sentence grammatically correct.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedAs a result, it can lead to a limitation of productivity and a reduction in the quality of life for its residents.
The phrases 'limiting productivity' and 'reducing the quality of life' are awkward and could be rephrased for clarity.
Another critical effect is the housing squeeze. Many cities are experiencing housing shortages, with demand for homes outstripping supply. However, and into more affordable but less accessible suburban areas. A good case in point in New York, London, and Hong-Kong even professionals with steady jobs can struggle to afford a place to live, while entire neighbors are being gentrified, displacing long-term residents.
Lexical resource
Revisedproperty prices and rents have soared, pushing many residents- particularly those on lower incomes- out of city centers
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised sentence is more clear and concise.
To tackle these challenges, cities must adopt innovative and sustainable solutions. Governments should invest in affordable houses and revolutionize public transport systems to reduce traffic congestion.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedSmart urban planning is crucial to addressing these issues.
The sentence is a bit abrupt and could be connected better to the following sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFor example, cities like Tokyo and Seoul have some of the most efficient public transit systems, but packed buses are grappling with overcrowded roads.
The conjunction 'but' is needed to connect two independent clauses. The sentence is a run-on.
Cities should prioritize green technologies, such as renewable energy and waste recycling systems, to create more sustainable urban environments. Expanding green spaces, such as parks and urban farming, can improve air quality and help to reduce food miles and promote self-sufficiency.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedSustainable green spaces are a significant solution.
The phrase 'Sustainability green places' is not grammatically correct and should be 'Sustainable green spaces'.
In conclusion, while the rapid growth of urban populations have numerous challenges, including traffic congestion and housing squeeze. By investing in infrastructure, embracing green technologies, cities can ensure a high quality of life for their residents.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay follows a logical structure, but transitions between paragraphs and within paragraphs could be smoother. The introduction sets up the topic well, but the connection between different points could be enhanced with more explicit linking phrases. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOne primary effect of population growth in cities is the pressure on public services and infrastructure.
The preposition 'among in' is incorrect and makes the sentence unclear.
RevisedSustainable green spaces are a significant solution.
The phrase 'Sustainability green places' is not grammatically correct and should be 'Sustainable green spaces'.
RevisedSmart urban planning is crucial to addressing these issues.
The sentence is a bit abrupt and could be connected better to the following sentence.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a variety of complex structures. However, there are a few grammatical errors and awkward constructions. The essay uses a variety of sentence structures and is generally grammatically accurate. However, there are a few minor errors that could be corrected to improve clarity. For example, "cities have become much more available to live for people" could be more clearly expressed as "cities have become more livable for people."
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedUrban amenities, such as healthcare, education, and transportation, often fail to meet the needs of the rapidly growing population.
The definite article 'the' is needed before 'rapidly growing population' to make the sentence grammatically correct.
RevisedAs a result, it can lead to a limitation of productivity and a reduction in the quality of life for its residents.
The phrases 'limiting productivity' and 'reducing the quality of life' are awkward and could be rephrased for clarity.
RevisedFor example, cities like Tokyo and Seoul have some of the most efficient public transit systems, but packed buses are grappling with overcrowded roads.
The conjunction 'but' is needed to connect two independent clauses. The sentence is a run-on.
Lexical resource
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good range of vocabulary relevant to the topic, such as "pressure on public services," "housing squeeze," and "sustainable solutions." However, there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that detract from the overall clarity and effectiveness of the writing. For example, "cities have become much more available to live for people" could be more clearly expressed as "cities have become more attractive to live in."
Sentence revisions 3
Revisedcities have become more habitable for people
The term 'available to live' is not appropriate in this context. 'Habitable' is a more suitable term.
Revisedproperty prices and rents have soared, pushing many residents- particularly those on lower incomes- out of city centers
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect and awkward. The revised sentence is more clear and concise.
Revisedcities like Tokyo and Seoul have some of the most efficient public transit systems, but packed buses are grappling with overcrowded roads.
The original sentence is awkward and grammatically incorrect. The revised sentence is more clear and concise.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively and provides a clear position throughout the response. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the effects of rapid population growth in cities and suggesting solutions to maintain a good quality of life. The writer clearly outlines the problems associated with urban growth, such as pressure on public services and infrastructure, and housing squeeze, and provides practical solutions, such as smart urban planning and sustainable green spaces. The argument is well-developed and supported with relevant examples, but the essay could benefit from a more detailed exploration of the underlying causes and additional solutions.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
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