Growing city populations: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
378 words. Marked by Axiom on 3 December 2024. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2378 words
The population in cities is growing rapidly. What are the effects of it? What solutions can you give to maintain a good quality of life in urban areas?
Rural-to-urban migration is happening widely and therefore many cities around the world are seeing their populations swell at an astonishing rate. While this phenomenon is associated with a wide range of issues, effective steps can be taken to remedy them.
As populations grow, so does the demand for housing, consumer products and transportation, necessitating construction and manufacturing to meet these needs. In addition, more and more people flocking into cities means transport systems become overcrowded, leaving commuters standing shoulder-to-shoulder. Population growth in urban environments also leads to a noticeable rise in housing prices.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThe effects of population growth in urban areas are largely negative.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedOne such drawback is the deterioration of quality of life in various ways.
The revised sentence is more clear and uses more accurate terminology.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis leads to noise and air pollution, which disrupt urban life to a great extent.
The revised sentence provides a clearer cause-effect relationship.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis unhygienic situation is another example of the difficulties urban residents face in their daily lives.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis increase, in turn, results in families with low incomes prioritizing rent, meaning a larger share of their earnings is allocated to it, making life almost no more than paying bills for these households.
The revised sentence is more clear and grammatically accurate.
As for measures to reduce the impact of urban population boom, one is smart urban planning, a multifaceted approach. This would reduce the need for commuting to a remote location, cutting into the need for transportation as well. As a result, issues like air pollution and traffic congestion are likely to become less concerning. This is because walking and cycling can be a viable alternative to driving when one’s home and work are located in close proximity. Another, somewhat related to the previous, solution is to maximize space efficiency. It is also about arranging apartments in a way that accommodates more people in less space.
Lexical resource
RevisedThis is to arrange commercial, residential, and industrial spaces in close proximity to each other.
The term 'residential' is repeated. The revision provides a more accurate and clear phrasing.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedOnce successfully applied on a large scale, housing shortages can be partially resolved.
The revised sentence is more clear and uses more precise language.
Lexical resource
RevisedFurthermore, air and noise pollution can be reduced through the implementation of eco-friendly, noise-free, and clean energy buses and cars.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more appropriate linking words.
In conclusion, urban sprawl presents a set of challenges ranging from expensive housing to worsened life quality. However, they can be mitigated via introducing smart urban planning and electric modes of transportation.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. However, there are a few instances where the flow of ideas could be improved. The essay is well-structured, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each discuss a different aspect of the issue, and a conclusion that summarizes the main points. The use of transition words and phrases helps to guide the reader through the text and to connect ideas smoothly. However, the cohesion between some ideas could be improved, and the use of more varied cohesive devices could help to make the text more engaging.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to improve the flow of ideas.
- Ensure that the conclusion fully summarizes the points made in the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe effects of population growth in urban areas are largely negative.
The revised sentence is more direct and clear.
RevisedThis leads to noise and air pollution, which disrupt urban life to a great extent.
The revised sentence provides a clearer cause-effect relationship.
RevisedThis unhygienic situation is another example of the difficulties urban residents face in their daily lives.
The revised sentence is more clear and concise.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of complex structures. There are a few minor errors, but they do not impede communication. The essay demonstrates a good command of a range of grammatical structures, with a variety of sentence types used effectively. However, there are a few minor errors that could be revised to improve clarity and accuracy.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedOne such drawback is the deterioration of quality of life in various ways.
The revised sentence is more clear and uses more accurate terminology.
RevisedThis increase, in turn, results in families with low incomes renting, meaning a larger share of their earnings is allocated to it, making life almost no more than paying bills for these households.
The revised sentence is more grammatically accurate and clear.
RevisedOnce successfully applied on a large scale, housing shortages can be partially resolved.
The revised sentence is more clear and uses more precise language.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic, with appropriate and varied use of terms. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choice that could be revised to improve clarity and precision.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis is to arrange commercial, residential, and industrial spaces in close proximity to each other.
The term 'residential' is repeated. The revision provides a more accurate and clear phrasing.
RevisedThis increase, in turn, results in families with low incomes prioritizing rent, meaning a larger share of their earnings is allocated to it, making life almost no more than paying bills for these households.
The revised sentence is more clear and grammatically accurate.
RevisedFurthermore, air and noise pollution can be reduced through the implementation of eco-friendly, noise-free, and clean energy buses and cars.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more appropriate linking words.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout. The essay effectively addresses the prompt by discussing the effects of rapid population growth in cities and suggesting solutions to maintain a good quality of life. The writer presents a clear introduction and conclusion, and each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect of the issue. However, the essay could be improved by providing more specific examples to support the arguments.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point to be discussed.
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