Young offenders treated as adults: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0

The world of crime has involved not only adults but also youngsters in recent decades. It is believed that governing bodies should punish young offenders not differently from older criminals. Although punishment is a good way to create a better society, it is also true that an unreasonable one might lead to serious psychology-related issues in young people’s lives.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThe world of crime has not only involved adults but also youngsters in recent decades.

   The original sentence is awkward and the use of 'involved' is not quite right. The revised sentence is more accurate and natural.

From one perspective, every individual, irrespective of their age and gender, should face the consequences of their wrongdoings, and accept whatever has to be done afterwards by law. Some young people need more time to rehabilitate, meaning a short period spent in cells is not enough for them to reflect on their mistakes. Examples of this might refer to teenagers who commit crimes such as street fights, gambling, and small robberies, as these are mostly common among the law-breakers of this age. Once they get a relative and a reasonable response by the police, they are more likely to avoid acting unscrupulously. The more this is to happen, the better a society to be created.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedExamples of this include teenagers who commit crimes like street fights, gambling, and small robberies, which are common at this age.

   The revised sentence is more concise and the use of 'include' is more appropriate in this context.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIf they receive a proportionate and reasonable response from the police, they are more likely to avoid unscrupulous actions.

   The revised sentence is more formal and precise, which is more suitable for an academic essay.

Teenagers tend to experiment new things, including certain types of crime, given the way they behave in adolescence years. They should receive appropriate treatments by authorities who have to consider different factors, such as their psychological and living conditions. A young school student at around 15, for instance, might get himself involved in the circle of certain gamblers because of either indifference shown by his family or a high level of curiosity, which is triggered by the period he is undergoing. Thus, punishing them brutally would bring about everything but further psychological problems, one of which is a later incapability to act freely.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThey should receive appropriate treatment from authorities who must consider various factors, such as their psychological state and living conditions.

   The revised sentence is more natural and precise, and the use of 'treatment' and 'psychological state' is more appropriate.

In my view, every crime committer should get punished relatively to how serious the offense is, with the government and the police taking full responsibility. In other words, the treatment should be so fair that there must be no room for a single dose of suspicion, making both older and younger criminals satisfied with it. More serious crimes should come with higher prices, with relatively light punishment being given to less serious ones. Street fights amongst youngsters with no deep injuries are forgiveable and worth a warning alongside with financial fee, yet with the condition of not repeating it again. Robbing someone or somewhere large, however, should not be taken lightly, and the person who carried this out, regardless of age, has to be treated justly before law.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn my opinion, every individual who commits a crime should be punished in accordance with the severity of the offense, with the government and the police assuming full responsibility.

   The revised sentence is more formal and precise, and the use of 'individual' and 'in accordance with' is more appropriate in this context.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn other words, the treatment should be so fair that there should be no room for doubt, ensuring both older and younger criminals are satisfied.

   The revised sentence is more natural and precise, and the use of 'ensuring' and 'doubt' is more appropriate.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedMore serious crimes should carry higher penalties, while relatively light punishment should be given to less serious ones.

   The revised sentence is more precise and natural, and the use of 'penalties' and 'carry' is more appropriate.

4. Lexical resource

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   RevisedMinor offenses such as street fights among teenagers, causing no serious injury, could be addressed with a warning and a financial penalty, provided there is no recurrence.

   The revised sentence is more precise and natural, and the use of 'minor offenses', 'serious injury', 'addressed', and 'recurrence' is more appropriate.

5. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedHowever, large-scale theft should not be taken lightly, and those involved, regardless of age, must be treated fairly under the law.

   The revised sentence is more natural and precise, and the use of 'large-scale theft', 'those involved', and 'fairly under the law' is more appropriate.

In conclusion, it is true that younger and older criminals are equal in terms of law, yet it is sometimes crucial to take some factors such as the type of crime before making a final decision.