Traditional or international music: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 4.5
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
306 words. Marked by Axiom on 6 September 2026. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2306 words
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere today?
Nowadays, there are several kinds of music in the world. The question of why music is needed may appear in everybody's mind. Whether traditional music or international music, people can understand each other's feelings and even things. Nowadays, there are several kinds of music, the happiness, sadness and even other emotions. People can express each other's feelings owing to happy music.
A number of reasons and examples are given in order to support my viewpoint.
The reasons why we need music is that it unites humans. It helps writers to write with similar feelings. That is why music is needed. It appears in everybody's mind whether traditional music is needed. Individuals often listen to happy music for instance, in a happy mood, individuals often listen to happy music, such as K-pop music. If not, in a bad mood, individuals often listen to sad songs, such as songs by Billie Eilish.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe music of a country unites people.
The revised sentence is more natural and collocates more accurately.
Lexical resource
RevisedIf people are exposed to music everywhere, it helps them connect and understand their emotions.
The revised sentence is more precise and avoids vague language.
On the one hand, traditional music express the past of people and is remembered. As people listen to traditional music of a country, they feel the atmosphere of history, culture and tradition of their country. The musics like "Tanovar" and "Dilxirgi" in Uzbekistan are one of the best example. On the other hand, people who listen to international music want to be in harmony with the world. They experience similar emotions of public, whichever related to social problems or happiness.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedWhether traditional or international music is a matter of an individual's preference.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the meaning is clear.
Lexical resource
RevisedToday, young individuals, including children and teenagers, seek to experience a range of emotions through music.
The revised sentence is more specific and conveys the idea more clearly.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, music is important as it unifies people and the necessity of listening to traditional and international music is related to individual preferences.
The revised sentence is more concise and the meaning is clear.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 4.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the connection between ideas less smooth. Additionally, the conclusion could be more effective in summarizing the main points and providing a clear final thought.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your conclusion to effectively summarize the main points.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe reason why we need music is that it unites humans.
The revised sentence is grammatically correct and conveys the idea more clearly.
RevisedWhether traditional or international music is a matter of an individual's preference.
The revised sentence is more coherent and the meaning is clear.
RevisedIn conclusion, music is important as it unifies people and the necessity of listening to traditional and international music is related to individual preferences.
The revised sentence is more concise and the meaning is clear.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar, but they do not impede communication. The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures and there are some grammatical errors. While the errors do not generally impede communication, they can be distracting. Proofreading is recommended to correct the errors and improve the overall quality of the writing.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe reason why we need music unites humans.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and conveys the idea more clearly.
RevisedWhether traditional or international music is a matter of an individual's preference.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and is more natural.
RevisedIn conclusion, music is important for several reasons, such as unifying people, and the necessity of listening to traditional and international music is related to individual preferences.
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and is more natural.
Lexical resource
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of some less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and collocation. The essay demonstrates a reasonable range of vocabulary, with some attempts to use less common and idiomatic language. However, there are a few instances of awkward or incorrect word choices, which can make the meaning unclear. Additionally, the use of synonyms could be improved to avoid repetition.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThe music of a country unites people.
The revised sentence is more natural and collocates more accurately.
RevisedIf people are exposed to music everywhere, it helps them connect and understand their emotions.
The revised sentence is more precise and avoids vague language.
RevisedToday, young individuals, including children and teenagers, seek to experience a range of emotions through music.
The revised sentence is more specific and conveys the idea more clearly.
Task response
Band 5.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and provides a well-developed response with relevant, extended and supported ideas. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task and provides a well-developed response with relevant ideas. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay could also benefit from a more formal tone and style.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear focus and is well-developed.
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