Traditional or international music: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
386 words. Marked by Axiom on 6 September 2026. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2386 words
There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere today?
In my opinion, music plays a large role among the society and its special part of our lives due to some reasons. Hence, we should listen both traditional and international music equally. Further in the essay, I will analyze both sides in detail and give some specific reasons and example to prove my ideas.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedIn today's rapidly changing world, there are significant differences in music, and society is pondering two key questions: do we need music, and which is more important - international music or traditional one?
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the question.
For example, people always listen music for getting feelings, to relax when they are boring or tired, and also reduce their stress or depression. When individuals are happy mood, they listen energetic or lovely music such as k-pop or maybe phone. Thereby people wiil feel themselves very nice reather than their previously mood and they continue live or work in their regular lives.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedTo begin with, music is necessary for everyone and it helps people to improve their emotional state.
The revised sentence is more precise and avoids repetition.
Lexical resource
RevisedTo elaborate, music possesses unique qualities that movies and other forms of art do not have.
The revised sentence is more precise and natural.
Lexical resource
RevisedHowever, when they are feeling sad or upset, they may listen to melancholic music such as 'Wildflower, the Night We Met' or 'Sweeter Weather' to process their emotions.
The revised sentence is more precise and natural.
First of all, traditional music is still listened by many people. It has own thing that other type of musics don't give us. It's shows our musicial prefers and even can show our history. Many individuals, especially youngsters, want to listen this kind of music and under the same taste with society or other people. In addition, it collects people under the same roof, for example, individuals go to concerts with their friends or family for fun and spend enjoyable time together.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedOn the other hand, both traditional and international music are widely heard and appreciated.
The revised sentence provides a clearer contrast and improves coherence.
Lexical resource
RevisedThese types of music are important to us as they reflect our cultural heritage and are still widely listened to.
The revised sentence is more precise and natural.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedAs for international music, it is also appreciated in many countries.
The revised sentence is more natural and precise.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, music is essential as it allows people to connect with their emotions on a deep level.
The revised sentence is more coherent and precise.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedFurthermore, we should appreciate both traditional and international music equally, as each offers its own emotions, characteristics, and benefits to people.
The revised sentence is more natural and precise.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a logical structure, but the use of cohesive devices is sometimes inaccurate or missing, making the progression of ideas a bit difficult to follow. Additionally, there are some issues with coherence, as the connection between ideas is not always clear. More explicit linking phrases could help to clarify the relationships between different ideas. Overall, the essay is somewhat repetitive and could benefit from a more varied use of language to improve cohesion and coherence.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make the connection between different ideas more explicit to improve coherence.
- Try to avoid repetition and use synonyms to introduce new ideas.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedTo begin with, music is necessary for everyone and it helps people to improve their emotional state.
The revised sentence is more precise and avoids repetition.
RevisedOn the other hand, both traditional and international music are widely heard and appreciated.
The revised sentence provides a clearer contrast and improves coherence.
RevisedIn conclusion, music is essential as it allows people to connect with their emotions on a deep level.
The revised sentence is more coherent and precise.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are some errors in grammar and punctuation. The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence structures effectively, with a variety of sentence types used. However, there are some grammatical errors and punctuation issues that can affect the clarity of the writing. Proofreading for these errors is recommended. Additionally, the use of more formal language could help to enhance the academic tone of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedIn today's rapidly changing world, there are significant differences in music, and society is pondering two key questions: do we need music, and which is more important - international music or traditional one?
The revised sentence corrects the grammatical errors and improves the clarity of the question.
RevisedAs for international music, it is also appreciated in many countries.
The revised sentence is more natural and precise.
RevisedFurthermore, we should appreciate both traditional and international music equally, as each offers its own emotions, characteristics, and benefits to people.
The revised sentence is more natural and precise.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire. However, there are some inaccuracies and inappropriate word choices. The essay demonstrates a good command of a broad lexical repertoire, with a variety of vocabulary used effectively. However, there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choices that could be clarified to improve the overall quality of the writing. Additionally, the use of more formal language could help to enhance the academic tone of the essay.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedTo elaborate, music possesses unique qualities that movies and other forms of art do not have.
The revised sentence is more precise and natural.
RevisedHowever, when they are feeling sad or upset, they may listen to melancholic music such as 'Wildflower, the Night We Met' or 'Sweeter Weather' to process their emotions.
The revised sentence is more precise and natural.
RevisedThese types of music are important to us as they reflect our cultural heritage and are still widely listened to.
The revised sentence is more precise and natural.
Task response
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, providing a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with specific examples. The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position and supporting it with relevant examples. The introduction and conclusion are well-developed, and the body paragraphs are structured in a clear and logical manner. However, the essay could benefit from a more focused thesis statement and a clearer research question. Additionally, the use of more formal language could help to enhance the academic tone of the essay.
Suggestions
- Provide more specific examples to support your arguments.
- Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and is well-developed.
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