Compulsory art classes: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.0

It is often argued that art classes, including painting and drawing, should be compulsory in high school because it can play a crucial role in the students' development. I believe that this trend can teach children how to control themselves in important situations, however, putting greater emphasis on art may be distraction to their main subjects, as children should pay more attention to their academic subjects. On the one hand, self-control is a key factor in achieving career success, and learning art can be alternative way to learn this. This is because children have to pay more attention on every small detail in painting or drawing. It requires patience, so if high school children regularly do this, they can easily control themselves in even difficult circumstances. For instance, in many well-developed countries, schools have already introduced these lessons as a compulsory; as a result, now more and more graduates are more likely to become successful because they can control their anger and other feelings. On the other hand, if these art subjects become mandatory, a huge number of students cannot focus on their main academic subjects. However, better job opportunities always require high-grade qualifications, so if students do not pay more attention on their academic fields, they will not join the workforce with they wanted. In addition, in many cases students do not interest in art, so schools should set this kind of lesson according to students' preferences. To conclude, both approaches have their merits. Although establishing art classes as a compulsory can be beneficial, I believe that it should be entirely voluntary because it depends on their interest and their free time.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIt is often argued that art classes, including painting and drawing, should be compulsory in high school as it can play a crucial role in the students' development.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward use of 'because' and provides a more natural expression of the idea.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThis is because children have to pay more attention to every small detail in painting or drawing.

   The preposition 'to' is required after the verb 'pay attention'.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor instance, in many well-developed countries, schools have already introduced these lessons as mandatory; as a result, more and more graduates are likely to be successful because they can control their anger and other emotions.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward use of 'compulsory' and 'more' and replaces 'anger and other feelings' with the more appropriate 'anger and other emotions'.

4. Lexical resource

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   RevisedHowever, better job opportunities often require high academic qualifications, so if students do not focus more on their academic fields, they may not achieve their desired career goals.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more natural expression of the idea.

5. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, both approaches have their own merits.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more formal conclusion.

6. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAlthough I believe that establishing art classes as compulsory could be beneficial, it should be entirely voluntary as it depends on the individual interests and time constraints of the students.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more formal expression of the writer's opinion.