Competition or cooperation: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 6.0

Being competitive in working, education and every day life is found necessary to improve by some people. However, other people argue that working together is more efficient way of developing and being productive . Thinking of people’s way of thinking, behavior , progress and making decisions , I think working cumulatively is better .

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedSome people find competitiveness in work, education, and everyday life to be necessary for improvement.

   The revision corrects the word order and article use, making the sentence more grammatically accurate.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedConsidering people's mindset, behavior, progress, and decision-making, I believe collaboration is a more effective approach.

   The revision provides a more natural and clear expression of the idea.

Firstly, when people deal with each other , they can work on a task peacefully and deeply that they do not worry about what others are doing . Besides if they struggle with something , they can ask other teammates freely as no one try to surpass other in there. The thing I really mention is that cheating increase among people because of the intense competition. Additionally , when people compare themselves with others regularly, they may lose their peace . For example if everyone choose to compare and compete all the time with each other, you cannot study freely as you are obliged to be the best; you cannot even live peacefully if your neighbor has a better car than you. Ultimately, many people may forget about being pleasant for things they have. Thus, being corporative and working together can be beneficial instead of competing.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOne significant concern is that intense competition can lead to increased cheating.

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2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedAdditionally, when people constantly compare themselves with others, they may lose their peace of mind.

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3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor instance, if everyone constantly compares and competes with each other, it can hinder your ability to study freely, as you feel pressured to outperform others; even your peace can be disrupted if your neighbor has a superior car.

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4. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedTherefore, fostering a collaborative spirit can be more beneficial than incessant competition.

   The revision provides a more formal and academic tone.

However , we can see some advantages in competing. For instance, when children see their peers are performing better than them, they try to study harder. Or comparing themselves with their collegues can promote workers to work more efficiently.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedOr comparing themselves with their colleagues can motivate workers to work more efficiently.

   The revision corrects the spelling error and provides a more accurate word choice.

To sum up, although competing and comparing can lead to success sometimes, it may be tiring, unfair and stressful in several cases that many people suffer from. So, working in a team and making deals is easier and quieter way of success.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedSo, working in a team and collaborating is a more peaceful and manageable path to success.

   The revision provides a more accurate and natural expression of the idea.