Cities becoming more alike: IELTS Task 2 essay #3, band 8.0

Compared to past years, many individuals traveled the world to see the differences between their home country and other cities. These days, cities throughout the world are becoming similar day by day. While there are some benefits and drawbacks associated with this trend, I am of the opinion that the disadvantages are far greater as they put culture and national identity at risk.

On the one hand, one of the main reasons for becoming similar is globalization. In every country, every part of people’s life such as eating, the way of wearing clothes, and listening to music became like Western countries. International business companies like KFC , Apple, Zara, and Opera spread and can be found every part of the world. This allows people to find their favorite things everywhere, even in undeveloped countries.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedOne of the main reasons for the increasing similarity is globalization.

   The phrase 'on the one hand' is usually used to introduce a contrasting point. Since you're introducing a reason here, it's more appropriate to use a plain introductory phrase.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedGlobal consumer brands such as KFC, Apple, Zara, and Opera have spread globally and can be found in many parts of the world.

   The revised sentence corrects the phrasing and punctuation.

In addition, globalization opens many doors and creates convenient and easy travel. These trends give easy access to countries without the visa issues because many individuals from the far side of the world usually struggle with visa problems to travel to some countries such as USA, UK, and Canada.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFurthermore, globalization provides numerous opportunities and simplifies travel in many ways.

   The original sentence is somewhat informal and vague. The revision provides a more precise and formal explanation.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThese trends facilitate travel to a range of countries without the hassle of visa applications, which can be a significant barrier for many individuals, particularly from countries like the USA, UK, and Canada.

   The revised sentence clarifies the point and provides a more formal and precise expression.

However, I think this development's disadvantages are much more significant than the advantages because many countries face a big problem which is the loss of identity. Globalization promotes English as the language of success in people’s minds as a result many native languages fall into the shadow of this language.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, I believe the disadvantages of this trend outweigh the benefits, leading to a significant risk of cultural and national identity loss in many countries.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct statement of your position, and 'believe' is more formal than 'think' for an academic essay.

Additionally, the influence of social media and other resources shows that touristic places and historical cities look less exciting for people since they watch and take an information before they visit there. It makes travelling less interesting and less enjoyable. For example, every visitor can watch videos and get an information through platforms like YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThis makes travel less interesting and less enjoyable.

   The revised sentence corrects the pronoun reference.

In conclusion, although globalization brings convenience and connects people across the world, it also causes serious cultural and emotional consequences. As cities become increasingly alike, the uniqueness of each nation gradually disappears. Therefore, I firmly believe that preserving cultural traditions and identities is far more important than enjoying the short-term benefits of globalization.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while globalization fosters convenience and international connectivity, it also engenders serious cultural and emotional ramifications.

   The revised sentence uses a more formal language style, and 'fosters' and 'engenders' are more precise verbs that clearly link back to the concepts introduced in the body paragraphs.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAs cities become more homogeneous, the distinctiveness of each nation's identity is at risk of fading away.

   The revised sentence provides a more precise and formal expression.