Video games on handheld devices: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 6.5

Nowadays, the easy access of dopamine inducing stuff such as mobile games on handheld gadgets may be damaging to people and the environment they reside in. Although there is a clear connection between the availability of entertainment and the harm of it to those individuals themselves and their near surroundings. I hold the believe that the harm exists but it is minimal and overly exaggarated.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedI believe that the harm exists, but it is minimal and overly exaggerated.

   The revised sentence corrects the verb form and the spelling, making the statement more clear and concise.

To begin, The damage that occurs from easily accessible entertainment is undeniably true, Due to the fact that from that availability humans tend to waste most of their precious time indulging in those activities such as playing video games or watching bite sized social media clips. Additionally, those periods of playing a game or watching a movie can turn from a harmless free time to an unchangeable addiction. For example, If a child is given full control to that access to games, it may lead them to go from just playing curiously to always wanting and demanding to play games non stop, Since it has appeal and keeps the child on a dopamine dependent swing.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedTo begin, the damage caused by easily accessible entertainment is undeniable. The availability of such entertainment often leads people to waste significant amounts of time on activities like playing video games or watching short social media clips.

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the use of a semi-colon instead of a comma helps to improve the flow of ideas.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAdditionally, these periods of playing a game or watching a movie can potentially transform from harmless pastimes to addictive behaviors.

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the rephrasing helps to improve the clarity and precision of the statement.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThis appeal can keep the child in a state of dopamine dependence.

   The revised sentence is more clear and concise, and the rephrasing helps to improve the clarity and precision of the statement.

However, Realistically looking at the consequences, It is clear that it is not a dire issue and should not be regarded as a problem at all on a global stage. Because the only harm coming from it is the possible addiction which is completely normal in this day and age especially amoung the youth. Therefore, this topic as a whole should not be brought up as a humongous issue that needs solving immediately, Due to its little to no affecting damages.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, when realistically considering the consequences, it is clear that the issues related to the availability of entertainment are not dire and should not be seen as global problems.

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the rephrasing helps to improve the clarity and flow of ideas.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedTherefore, this topic should not be presented as a major issue requiring immediate resolution due to its minimal impact.

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the rephrasing helps to improve the clarity and precision of the statement.

In conclusion,The easy access of entertainments can absolutely harm individuals, However the harm is little, To that extent that it almost doesnt have an affect, And that it should not be labeled as a major problem.

1. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedIn conclusion, while the easy access of entertainment can harm individuals, the actual impact is minimal to the extent that it almost has no effect, and it should not be considered a major problem.

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the rephrasing helps to improve the clarity and flow of ideas.