Video games on handheld devices: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 6.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
354 words. Marked by Axiom on 26 October 2026. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2354 words
The availability of entertainment such as video games on handheld devices are harmful to individual and to the society they live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Lexical resource
RevisedIt is often argued that access to entertainment such as video games on devices can have a negative impact on people.
The term 'video games on devices' is a bit redundant. The revision is more concise and natural. The term 'acesses' should be 'accesses'.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedWhile some may oppose this notion, I strongly argue in favor of it.
The word 'spme' is a typographical error and should be 'some'. The phrase 'I strongly argue in favour' is a bit awkward and could be more naturally phrased as 'I strongly support this view'.
There are several justifications for those who consider that video games cannot affest people's health, instead they can help people to develop their skills. In the modern era, there are plenty of useful games on devices, that people can engage in whenever they want. This kind of games can provide useful videos, tasks and several exercise. For example, there are some games accossiated with learning languages, that can teach individuals, especially younger ones to speak in this language, by providing a useful video about that.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThereby, video games as forms of entertainment can help individuals to develop their language skills.
The original sentence is a bit awkward and informal. The revision provides a more formal and precise phrasing.
I believe that the availabilty of video games on devices have a risk of some problems related to people's health. they may not be intereseted in what actually happens in a real life. It means that they spend their time only on their devices and do not engage in any physical tasks. Therefore, people may develop a helath problems such as an obesity because of lack physical movement.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis trend, however, poses several challenges.
The term 'negative sides' is a bit informal and vague. It's better to use a more formal and precise language.
Lexical resource
RevisedWhen individuals spend a considerable amount of time on their devices watching videos,
The phrase 'engaging in videos' is a bit awkward. The revision provides a more natural phrasing.
Lexical resource
RevisedThe game they are playing can be extremely engaging, often preventing them from taking a rest.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more clear and natural phrasing.
From my point of view, these types of entertainment can affect people's eyes vision. Since people spend a lot of time on their screens without distrations. when people stare at their devises for such a long time. As a consequences, spenind a lot of time in front of devices may affect people's vision, so in extreme cases, it may lead to the necessity to wear glasses.
Lexical resource
RevisedThese devices are usually made from bright screens, which can harm people's vision,
The term 'ultra lights' is not standard English. The revision uses the more appropriate term 'bright screens'.
I firmly believe that it has a negative effect on people's health and their eye visions.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedIn conclusion, although the availability of video games may have some positive effects, such as providing educational tools,
The phrase 'such as learning useful things' is informal and vague. It's better to use a more precise language.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and the progression of ideas is clear. However, there are some issues with the use of cohesive devices and the overall cohesion of the essay. The essay follows a standard structure, but the introduction could better guide the reader about the upcoming discussion. The use of cohesive devices is sometimes awkward, affecting the overall coherence. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Use a variety of cohesive devices to ensure smooth transition between ideas.
- Make sure to fully develop your ideas in each paragraph.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedThis trend, however, poses several challenges.
The term 'negative sides' is a bit informal and vague. It's better to use a more formal and precise language.
RevisedIn conclusion, although the availability of video games may have some positive effects, such as providing educational tools,
The phrase 'such as learning useful things' is informal and vague. It's better to use a more precise language.
RevisedThereby, video games as forms of entertainment can help individuals to develop their language skills.
The original sentence is a bit awkward and informal. The revision provides a more formal and precise phrasing.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a mix of simple and complex sentence forms and there are few grammatical errors. However, there are some errors in subject-verb agreement and word choice. The essay demonstrates a good command of grammar and sentence structure. However, there are some minor errors that do not significantly impact the overall readability. More complex sentence structures and varied grammatical constructions would enhance the essay.
Sentence revisions 5
RevisedWhile some may oppose this notion, I strongly argue in favor of it.
The word 'spme' is a typographical error and should be 'some'. The phrase 'I strongly argue in favour' is a bit awkward and could be more naturally phrased as 'I strongly support this view'.
RevisedThe game they may be playing can be extremely engaging, often preventing them from taking a rest.
The original sentence is grammatically incorrect. The revision provides a more accurate and natural phrasing.
RevisedIn conclusion, even though the availability of video games may have some positive effects, such as providing educational tools,
The phrase 'such as learning useful things' is informal and vague. It's better to use a more precise language.
RevisedWhen individuals spend a considerably large amount of time on their devices engaging in videos,
The original sentence contains several typographical errors and is grammatically incorrect. The revision provides a more accurate and natural phrasing.
RevisedThese devices are usually made from bright screens, that harm people's vision.
The term 'ultra lights' is not standard English. The revision uses the more appropriate term 'bright screens'.
Lexical resource
Band 6.0/ 9
The essay uses a sufficient range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. However, there are some inaccuracies in word choice and spelling. The essay demonstrates a good command of a wide range of vocabulary related to the topic. However, there are some instances of awkward or incorrect word choices. Overall, the essay shows a strong command of language with few errors. More varied and precise vocabulary would enhance the essay.
Sentence revisions 5
RevisedIt is often argued that access to entertainment such as video games on devices can have a negative impact on people.
The term 'video games on devices' is a bit redundant. The revision is more concise and natural. The term 'acesses' should be 'accesses'.
RevisedI strongly argue in favor of this notion.
The phrase 'in favour' is more commonly used in this context.
RevisedWhen individuals spend a considerable amount of time on their devices watching videos,
The phrase 'engaging in videos' is a bit awkward. The revision provides a more natural phrasing.
RevisedThese devices are usually made from bright screens, which can harm people's vision,
The term 'ultra lights' is not standard English. The revision uses the more appropriate term 'bright screens'.
RevisedThe game they are playing can be extremely engaging, often preventing them from taking a rest.
The original sentence is awkward and unclear. The revision provides a more clear and natural phrasing.
Task response
Band 7.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task and presents a clear position throughout the response. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported. The essay addresses the prompt by discussing both the positive and negative effects of video games on individuals and society. The writer presents a clear position and supports it with relevant examples. However, the argument could be more fully developed and supported with more specific evidence. The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points but could be more comprehensive.
Suggestions
- Make sure to fully develop your arguments and support them with specific examples.
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