Technology: convenience or problems: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 7.0

In an era characterized by technological devices, the question of whether life has become much more convenient due to technology or whether it does more harm than good has gained traction. While technological tools can provide several benefits, I firmly believe that they pose serious challenges associated with people's overall health.

Proponents of the positive technological impact on life cite various reasons to support their stance. They argue that if many individuals use electronic devices, such as smartphones, computers, tablets and smartwatches, whether at work or for their leisure pursuits, they can not only enjoy scrolling on social media platforms like Instagram and Youtube, but also keep up to date easily about what is going on around them in modern life, allowing them to receive a flood of educational information along with greater enjoyment and awareness. As a result, such benefits can make their life more easier, enjoyable and convenient.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThe proponents of technological advancements in life have several reasons to support their stance.

   The revised sentence is more concise and has a better flow.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedThey argue that the widespread use of electronic devices, such as smartphones, computers, tablets, and smartwatches, not only allows individuals to enjoy scrolling on social media platforms like Instagram and YouTube, but also enables them to easily stay informed about current events and receive a wealth of educational information, leading to greater enjoyment and awareness.

   The revised sentence is more concise and uses more appropriate vocabulary.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedAs a result, these benefits can make life more enjoyable and convenient.

   The revised sentence is more natural and idiomatic.

However, in my view, the integration of electronic gadgets into life entails significant downsides in terms of health. When people rely heavily on them to fulfill their different desires, they may be glued to screens and negatively affected by constant notifications, calls and even potentially engaging reels, all of which undermine their time management skills, reduce their ability to be punctual at work or in their studies and lead to several health issues, including cataracts, sleep deprivation and memory depletion. Consequently, they are more likely to struggle to bounce back and become productive in order to achieve their goals, thereby increasing their risk of facing severe chronic health conditions like stress, anxiety and depression. Ultimately, such issues can make their life more complicated and challenging.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, I believe that the widespread use of electronic gadgets in daily life can have significant negative impacts on health.

   The revised sentence is more direct and clear.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedWhen people rely heavily on electronic devices to fulfill their desires, they may become glued to the screens and negatively affected by constant notifications, calls, and potentially engaging content, which can undermine their time management skills, reduce their ability to be punctual at work or in their studies, and lead to health issues, including cataracts, sleep deprivation, and memory depletion.

   The revised sentence is more natural and uses more precise vocabulary.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedUltimately, these issues can make life more complicated and challenging.

   The revised sentence is more clear and concise.

In conclusion, although technology provides greater enjoyment and awareness, I contend that it is much more detrimental to overall well-being.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while technology can provide greater enjoyment and awareness, I believe that its negative impacts on health cannot be ignored.

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic.