Teachers’ influence on children: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 8.0

In recent years, it has become increasingly commonplace for individuals to consider that teachers are likely to have more impact on young children’s holistic development compared to their parents, particularly in Western communities. While it is obvious that teachers play an important role to some extent, I strongly believe that parents’ influence cannot be replaced.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedWhile it is obvious that teachers play an important role to some extent, I strongly believe that the influence of parents cannot be replaced.

   The revised sentence corrects the prepositional error and improves the clarity of the writer's point.

Proponents of teachers’ influence on young children come up with several reasons to justify their stance. Evidently, children are supposed to spend one third of their day at school, which means that teachers and instructors indeed appear to be more influential when the intellectual and social development of young individuals are concerned. In addition, when children are encouraged to engage in various educational games that are meant to not only improve their cognitive but also interpersonal skills such as communication, negotiation, and conflict-resolution, thanks to the teachers’ professional approaches, these young individuals can gain well-rounded development through these teacher-centered methods. Given these advantages, it seems reasonable for some people to glorify the influence of teachers.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedSupporters of the idea that teachers have a significant impact on young children can cite several reasons to support their position.

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic, and the term 'supporters' is more appropriate in this context.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedGiven these advantages, it's not surprising that many people credit teachers with a significant influence.

   The revised sentence is more formal and academic, which helps to improve the overall coherence and cohesion of the essay.

Despite these arguments in favor of educational professionals’ role in young generations’ development, in my view, parents are likely to hold a greater superiority in the development of their children’s intelligence and social behavior. Even though parents, nowadays, are supposed to be overloaded mentally and physically by their job responsibilities in an attempt to provide their family financially in response to the rising cost of living, it seems logical to consider that they may have some challenges in terms of sparing adequate amount of time for socializing with their children; however, there is a common belief that children inevitably follow the footsteps of their parents no matter how they are influenced from external environments.

1. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedDespite these arguments in favor of educators' roles in children's development, I believe that parents play a more significant role in their children's intellectual and social growth.

   The revised sentence is more concise and clear, and the term 'parents' is used consistently throughout the sentence to maintain coherence.

In conclusion, although teachers are indeed of great necessity for young generation’s well-rounded development, I contend that nothing can beat the power of parental guidance and support when it comes to children’s intellectual and social development.