Responsibility for a healthy diet: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.5

There is a view that people should hold the accountability to take care of their own health and diet while others think that governments should ensure that their citizens have a healthy diet. While I admit the responsibility of individuals, I believe that governments should strive more to make sure that citizens lead a healthy lifestyle.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedWhile I acknowledge the individual's responsibility, I also believe that there should be greater effort from the government in ensuring a healthy lifestyle for its citizens.

   The revision provides a clearer and more direct statement of the writer's opinion.

One main reason why individuals should take care of their own health and diet is that their unhealthy lifestyle affects their own well-being and long-term health. Eating junk food on a daily basis, leading a sedentary lifestyle, and avoiding consuming nutrient-rich products such as vegetables and fruits reduce their productivity both in personal life and workplace. This way of life affects their cognitive ability and function of the body, which can make it difficult to improve their life standards. In Uzbekistan, one of the populous countries in Central Asia, for example, the majority used to overlook the importance of eating healthy. This approach led to obesity and drain of energy among people, affecting their prosperity and well-being. This highlights the significance that individuals should pay attention to lead a healthy diet.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedConsuming junk food on a daily basis, leading a sedentary lifestyle, and avoiding nutrient-rich products such as vegetables and fruits reduce the individual's productivity both in their personal life and at the workplace.

   The revision corrects the subject-verb agreement and provides a more natural phrasing.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn Uzbekistan, one of the most populous countries in Central Asia, for instance, the majority have previously overlooked the importance of healthy eating.

   The revision provides a more accurate and natural phrasing.

I, however, believe that governments should take the initiative to improve citizens’ diets. It is usually governments that possess political power to drive public change, making them lead a healthy lifestyle. This can be achieved through promoting a healthy diet by using celebrities such as actors, singers, and well-known public figures. They can, for example, post videos on social platforms such as instagram, showing how they lead a healthy diet by having a breakfast every morning, consuming nutrient-rich products, and avoiding overeating in the evening. Since many people look up to and admire these famous figures, their actions may spread fast, helping individuals lead the same lifestyle.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedHowever, I am of the belief that governments should take the lead in improving citizens’ diets.

   The revision provides a more natural and idiomatic phrasing.

Equally important is that governments can encourage individuals to have a healthy diet by giving discounts to those who hit the gym and eat healthy products regularly. This policy has worked successfully in the USA, a country where many people used to have an unhealthy diet. This opportunity improved people’s motivation to keep leading a healthy lifestyle and pay attention to their eating habits, which improved their well-being and prosperity.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedThis policy has been successful in the USA, where many people have previously maintained an unhealthy diet.

   The revision provides a more concise and direct statement.

In conclusion, while I admit the responsibility of individuals to take care of their diets, I believe that governments have a greater political power and influence to help citizens lead a healthy diet. This can be achieved through giving discounts and promoting a healthy diet by using celebrities such as actors, models, influencers, and singers.