Influences outside the home: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 7.5

In today's world, even though families have an influence on children's developments, factors outside the family environment play a bigger role in their lives. Although I acknowledge an indispensable role of families on children's behavior and values, I believe that external factors are more significant on their developments.

One main reason family environment have an important influence on children's developments is that parents set children's normal behavior and values from an early age. Perseverance, hard work, dedication, and a sense of responsibility are usually instilled by family environment, all of which play a big role in children's every step of their lives. In Uzbekistan, a country where family ties are significant, for example, parents place a huge importance on children's behavior and values. This approach, in turn, shapes children's developments dramatically, helping them to be responsible members of their society in the future.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedOne main reason the family environment has an important influence on children's development is that parents set children's norms and values from an early age.

   The phrase 'normal behavior' could be misinterpreted. 'Norms and values' is a more appropriate choice.

2. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedIn Uzbekistan, where family ties are significant, parents place great importance on children's behavior and values.

   The phrase 'place a huge importance' is not grammatically correct. The correct phrase is 'place great importance'.

3. Lexical resource

   Close revision note

   RevisedThis approach significantly shapes children's development, helping them to be responsible members of their society in the future.

   The word 'dramatically' is a bit too strong in this context. 'Significantly' is a more appropriate choice.

I, however, believe that external factors outside the family settings are more significant nowadays. Spending time with their peers, communicating with people from different backgrounds, and meeting different cultures shape children more significantly, allowing them to form different values and perspectives which can be different from family members. In the USA, a country where globalization has become indispensable, for instance, outside factors such as peer relationships and diverse cultures play a huge role in children's developments, leading them to form different worldview, values, and lifestyles.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, I believe that external factors, outside the family setting, play a more significant role today.

   The sentence is slightly informal and can be revised for better clarity and formality.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn the USA, where globalization is indispensable, external factors such as peer relationships and diverse cultures play a significant role in children's development, leading them to form different worldviews, values, and lifestyles.

   The sentence is a bit long and awkward. It can be revised for better clarity and grammar.

Equally important is that social media platforms play a big part in children' behaviors. By scrolling through Instagram, Telegram, Facebook, and Tik Tok regularly, children broaden their horizons, become aware of different cultures, and form different perspectives. In Kazakhstan, a country where traditions such as spending quality time with parents was previously common, for example, many children have been glued to their phones. This highlights the significance of factors outside the home.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedEqually important is the role of social media platforms in children's behavior.

   The sentence is a bit awkward and can be revised for better clarity.

2. Grammar & accuracy

   Close revision note

   RevisedIn Kazakhstan, where traditions such as spending quality time with parents are common, many children, for instance, have been glued to their phones.

   The sentence is a bit awkward and the verb tense is incorrect. It should be 'are' instead of 'was'.

3. Coherence & cohesion

   Close revision note

   RevisedThis, in turn, highlights the significance of factors outside the home.

   The phrase 'in turn' helps to better connect the example to the overall argument.

In conclusion, while I acknowledge the influence of families on children's developments, I believe that factors outside home are more significant nowadays. Communicating with people from different backgrounds, using social media platforms, and being exposed to globalization shape them more significantly by allowing them to form different values.