Influences outside the home: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 8.0
A student’s answer to this repeated IELTS question, shared without their name and marked by Axiom on the four criteria. Select a highlighted passage to see how it could be revised, and why.
363 words. Marked by Axiom on 29 October 2026. Estimated by AI. It isn’t an official IELTS score.
Task 2363 words
Although families have an influence on children’s development, factors outside the home play a bigger part in their lives nowadays. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There is a view that outside factors play a more crucial role in how children live than the influence of family. Although parents can somehow impact on the lives of their children, I believe that other external factors play a more substantial role in shaping how the younger generation behaves, interacts and communicates.
If young individuals observe good habits in their parents, including reading books, exercising, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and treating others with respect, they are more likely to imitate these behaviors and develop similar habits themselves. A 14-year-old boy, for example, may start smoking after observing his parents engaging in this activity, whereas another child may develop a reading habit by watching their parents read newspapers and educational articles. Over time, these repeated observations can shape their attitudes and lifestyle choices, with positive parental examples potentially encouraging intellectual development and healthy living, while the negative ones may increase the likelihood of adopting harmful habits.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedAdmittedly, parents play a crucial role in their children's development and can have a significant influence on their behavior.
The original sentence was a bit awkward and repetitive. This revision is more concise and clear.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedThis is often the case because children tend to view their parents as role models and may therefore consider their daily routines as normal.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct explanation of the phenomenon.
As individuals of a similar age often share comparable interests and experiences, teenagers may consider their friends’ opinions more relevant to their everyday lives than their parents’ advice and fear from being excluded from friends’ group.
Coherence & cohesion
RevisedHowever, I believe that external factors, particularly peer pressure, have a more significant influence on young people's lifestyles.
The revision is more natural and conversational. The comma after 'however' is also not necessary.
Lexical resource
RevisedMany young individuals may engage in harmful activities, such as drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, or even using drugs, in order to gain acceptance from their peers – a clear example of the powerful influence of peer pressure.
The revised sentence is more neutral and objective in tone.
Grammar & accuracy
RevisedSuch negative habits may have severe consequences, including serious health issues or lengthy jail sentences (in the case of drug use), potentially hindering young people’s academic progress, career prospects, and long-term personal development.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more precise language.
In conclusion, while it is true that parental influence can impact on the children’s lifestyles, I maintain that peer group pressure has a profound impact on the younger people’s lifestyle choices, as the examples above suggest.
Select a highlighted passage to see its suggested revision.
What Axiom wrote for each criterion: why the answer earned its band, and what to work on next.
Coherence & cohesion
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay is logically organized and ideas are connected well. The introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant. The essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that each discuss a different factor, and a conclusion that summarizes your views. Transitions between paragraphs are smooth, helping to guide the reader through your argument. However, the cohesion within paragraphs could be improved. For example, the transition between discussing parental influence and peer pressure is a bit abrupt. More explicit linking phrases could help to better connect these ideas.
Suggestions
- Try to use a wider range of linking words to connect your ideas more effectively.
- Ensure that your arguments flow smoothly from one to the next.
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAdmittedly, parents play a crucial role in their children's development and can have a significant influence on their behavior.
The original sentence was a bit awkward and repetitive. This revision is more concise and clear.
RevisedHowever, I believe that external factors, particularly peer pressure, have a more significant influence on young people's lifestyles.
The revision is more natural and conversational. The comma after 'however' is also not necessary.
RevisedThis is often the case because children tend to view their parents as role models and may therefore consider their daily routines as normal.
The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct explanation of the phenomenon.
Grammar & accuracy
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay shows a good control of a range of grammatical structures and punctuation. There are a few minor errors, but these do not impede communication. The essay is largely free of grammatical errors, with a good range of sentence structures and a variety of grammatical forms. Your writing is clear and easy to understand, with no significant issues. However, there are a few minor errors in verb tense and subject-verb agreement. For example, in the sentence "A 14-year-old boy, for example, may start smoking after observing his parents engaging in this activity," the verb "engaging" should be replaced with "engaged."
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAdmittedly, parents are the ones who can raise their children and have a significant influence on their children’s behavior.
The phrase 'grow up their children' is a bit awkward. The revision is more natural and clear.
RevisedThis is because children often see their parents as role models and may come to view their daily routines as normal.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more precise language.
RevisedSuch negative habits may have severe consequences, including serious health issues or lengthy jail sentences (in the case of drug use), potentially hindering young people’s academic progress, career prospects, and long-term personal development.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more precise language.
Lexical resource
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay uses a wide range of vocabulary and there is evidence of less common and idiomatic language. You demonstrate a good command of vocabulary, with a variety of terms related to child development and behavior. Your use of language is clear and effective, with no significant issues. However, there are a few instances where word choice could be improved for clarity and precision. For example, in the sentence "This is because children often regard their parents as role models and gradually come to perceive their daily routines as normal patterns of behavior," the phrase "perceive their daily routines as normal patterns of behavior" could be simplified to "consider their daily routines normal."
Sentence revisions 3
RevisedAdmittedly, parents play a crucial role in their children's development and can have a significant influence on their behavior.
The phrase 'grow up their children' is a bit awkward. The revision is more natural and clear.
RevisedThis is often the case because children may see their parents as role models and imitate their daily routines.
The revised sentence is more concise and uses more precise language.
RevisedMany young individuals may engage in harmful activities, such as drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes, or even using drugs, in order to gain acceptance from their peers – a clear example of the powerful influence of peer pressure.
The revised sentence is more neutral and objective in tone.
Task response
Band 8.0/ 9
The essay addresses the task effectively, presenting a clear position throughout. The arguments are well-developed and supported with relevant examples. You have addressed the task effectively, presenting a clear position and supporting it with relevant examples. Your introduction and conclusion are clear and relevant, and you have provided specific examples to support your arguments. However, you could further strengthen your response by discussing a wider range of external factors beyond peer pressure that may influence young people's behavior.
Suggestions
- Consider discussing a wider range of external factors beyond peer pressure that may influence young people's behavior.
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