Customs and traditions today: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 8.0

In today’s day and age, it is argued that traditions and many customs should be abandoned altogether because they have become obselete and irrelevant. While this idea holds weight, I believe that certain traditions are still integral in cultural preservation.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn today's world, some argue that traditions and customs should be abandoned as they have become obsolete and irrelevant. While this perspective is understandable, I believe that certain traditions play a crucial role in cultural preservation.

   The introduction could be more concise and direct, setting the stage for the subsequent discussion. The revision removes redundant words and phrases, sharpening the focus on the essay's thesis. It also adjusts the phrasing to ensure a smooth transition into the detailed argumentation that follows.

Some customs may indeed conflict with the present-day lifestyles and values to a certain extent. Since societies adopted and developed particular ways of behavior depending on economical, social, and political environments in the previous generations they were surrounded by, the same values may clash with the current era’s landscape. As attitudes have increasingly changed over time, beliefs regarding gender roles, freedom, social expectations, and individualism have been gradually shifting. Take arranged marriages, for instance. Generations ago, most people had to marry someone chosen by their parents or family members, which excluded a person’s own opinion and preferences, leading to resentment and sometimes unfulfilling marriage lives.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedSince societies adopted and developed particular ways of behavior based on economic, social, and political environments in previous generations, the same values may clash with today's landscape.

   The revised sentence provides a more natural and concise expression of the idea.

2. Lexical resource

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   RevisedFor example, consider arranged marriages.

   The revised sentence provides a more formal and academic tone.

However, this is not to say that every custom is unnecessary. In fact, they are at the core of community cohesion.  They are instrumental in preserving heritage, unique lifestyles, and family ties because they carry a culture’s history and values. In a highly globalized world, abandoning such traditions can lead to cultural erosion. Young people can also connect with their roots by exploring and maintaining such rituals. Uzbekistan is a perfect case in point. Cultural celebrations such as Navruz, a holiday that marks the beginning of New Year, have been conserved to this day. Such events not only maintain cultural traditions but also pass them on to the younger generation.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, this does not imply that every custom is redundant.

   The revised sentence provides a smoother transition to the contrasting point.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThese customs are instrumental in preserving heritage, unique lifestyles, and family ties, as they embody a culture's history and values.

   The revised sentence corrects the pronoun reference and provides a more precise expression of the idea.

3. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn this way, young people can connect with their roots by exploring and maintaining such rituals.

   The revised sentence provides a more explicit cause-effect relationship.

4. Lexical resource

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   RevisedCultural celebrations like Navruz, which marks the beginning of the New Year, have been preserved to this day.

   The revision corrects the misuse of 'conserved' (which means to preserve or maintain) by replacing it with 'preserved'. This adjustment better conveys the intended meaning and fits the context of the sentence.

Considering both views, I maintain that holding onto every custom without questioning it or its relevance is futile, while completely getting rid of traditions can risk heritage loss. A more effective approach is to keep customs that align with today’s modern lifestyles as well as promote solidarity, respect and social ties, whereas the ones that discriminate certain groups of people and perpetuate wastefulness should be gradually discontinued. Extravagant marriages, for example, should be adjusted to focus more on strengthening ties and getting together instead of showing off one’s wealth.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedAfter considering both perspectives, I believe that blindly clinging to every custom without questioning its relevance is futile, and completely discarding traditions risks jeopardizing heritage loss.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more concise expression of the idea.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFor instance, extravagant marriages should be modified to prioritize strengthening ties and camaraderie over displaying wealth.

   The revision introduces a more varied vocabulary ("modified," "prioritize," "camaraderie") to replace more common phrases, enhancing the lexical resource score. It also refines the focus of the sentence, making the example more relevant to the discussion of tradition and modernity.

To conclude, although certain conventional beliefs concerning gender equality and individual freedom no longer hold water, completely abandoning cultural rituals is not a wise course of action. Instead of choosing either extreme, we should stick to traditions that still play an important role in our lives while eliminating those that do not match today’s norms.