Competition for university places: IELTS Task 2 essay #1, band 7.5

In today’s world, the demand for college diplomas is being normalized and popularized by the younger generation. While the main reasons for this phenomenon could be seen in the after-effects of peer pressure and the ongoing standards for getting employed, I believe this new approach can bring more positive changes to the society.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedWhile the main reasons for this phenomenon can be attributed to peer pressure and the evolving standards for employment, I believe this trend can bring about more positive changes in society.

   The phrase 'the after-effects of peer pressure' is not the most appropriate choice in this context. The term 'evolving standards for employment' is more suitable.

Younger individuals becoming increasingly obsessed with the university degree for several reasons, with pressure coming from their peers being the chief among them. In a world where the advent of social media is rapid, people, especially teenagers with big responsibilities on their shoulders such as deciding on their education and career, are often faced with the achievements of others on social platforms like Instagram which was not the case for previous generations. As a result of this comparison being made between their progress in life with that of their friends who are pursing a career in lucrative jobs like being a lawyer or doctor, these youngsters would be more prone to choose university life not out of interest, but to blend with the people around them. Additionally, as in many countries employers usually demand a candidate applying for a position in their company to have a diploma as one of the requirements, the rate of being hired is disproportionally decreasing within the communities with talented people for the job, hence little-to-no interest in entering universities. To meet the standards of the job market, individuals are forced to possess university degree as opposed to the past.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedYounger individuals are becoming increasingly obsessed with obtaining a university degree for several reasons, with peer pressure being a significant factor.

   The revised sentence is more clear and concise, and the phrase 'being the chief among them' is no longer needed as it is implied in the context.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedIn today's world, where social media is rapidly advancing, people, especially teenagers who bear significant responsibilities such as making decisions about their education and career, often find themselves comparing their achievements to those of others on platforms like Instagram, which was not the case for previous generations.

   The revised sentence is more coherent and easier to understand.

Generally, this developing interest in college degrees mostly comes with not only personal advantages but also positive contribution to the society as well. First and foremost, if governments took initiatives to shift the overall state of education system to a better level, it would lead to the create better educational facilities, equipping students to get out of their comfort zone, persuading them to test their academic knowledge through practice. In this way, authorities not just meet the needs of their avid learners but also remove the social stereotypes of people associated with college degrees. Furthermore, some might support the idea of elimination of degree requirements set by hiring managers, arguing that one might be capable of mastering an area of studying individually without attending any collage lessons simply for not being financially stable to cover the tuition. With the help of scholarships set by universities, however, these naturally talented people would have a broader opportunity and help from professionals to gain in-depth knowledge about their chosen path without spending a penny, allowing them to pursue high-flying career.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn this way, authorities not only meet the needs of eager learners but also challenge the social stereotypes associated with college degrees.

   The term 'remove the social stereotypes' is not the most appropriate choice in this context. The term 'challenge' is more suitable as it conveys a more active and dynamic approach.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFurthermore, some might support the idea of eliminating degree requirements set by hiring managers, arguing that individuals can master their chosen field of study independently without attending college, simply due to financial constraints.

   The term 'collage lessons' is a incorrect and the term 'financially stable to cover the tuition' is a bit awkward. The revised sentence corrects these errors.

3. Lexical resource

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   RevisedHowever, with the support of university scholarships, these naturally talented individuals would have a broader opportunity, guided by professionals, to acquire in-depth knowledge in their chosen field, without incurring any costs, allowing them to pursue their desired career paths.

   The term 'high-flying career' is a bit informal and the term 'without spending a penny' is also informal. The revised sentence uses more formal language and is more academically appropriate.

In conclusion, as people’s desire in studying in universities is mainly caused by either excessive exposure to others’ personal achievements online or standardized requirements in job-hunting process, I, personally agree that this interest towards higher education can be beneficial due to its positive impacts.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedIn conclusion, while people's desire to study at universities is primarily driven by excessive exposure to others' personal achievements online or standardized requirements in the job market, I personally believe that this interest in higher education can be beneficial due to its positive impacts.

   The phrase 'I, personally agree' is a bit awkward and the term 'standardized requirements in job-hunting process' is a bit informal. The revised sentence corrects these errors.