Competition for university places: IELTS Task 2 essay #2, band 7.0

In the modern world, an increasing number of individuals desire to pursue higher education, thus leading to an increase in the number of university places to satisfy the demand. This is mainly happening because of establishment of new universities and better job prospects after graduation. I believe such competition for university seats are arguably a positive development, as this makes people hardworking and qualified.

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   RevisedThis is primarily due to the establishment of new universities and improved job prospects after graduation.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the clarity of the point being made.

Unlike in the past when not many people had the chance of studying at university due to a limited number of educational institutions worldwide, individuals now can even choose which university they want to study, thanks to the diversity. As a result of such opportunity, nearly everyone wants to pursue higher education. In Uzbekistan, for example, there are more than 50 new universities, even in remote areas of the country, often encouraging people to study at university. What is more, it has already become difficult to find jobs in today’s competitive employment market without qualifications in Bachelor and Master’s. However, those who have aforementioned degrees have the potential to secure well-paid jobs. These examples can demonstrate why there is a huge demand for university places worldwide.

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   RevisedThanks to these opportunities, a large number of people are now inclined to pursue higher education.

   The revised sentence provides a more natural and appropriate word choice.

2. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedFor example, in Uzbekistan, the establishment of more than 50 new universities, even in remote areas of the country, has often encouraged people to pursue higher education.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the point being made.

As the number of university places grows around the world, more people tend to be hardworking. In the presence of Artificial Intelligence, the majority of individuals, especially young ones, are overdependent on this breakthrough innovation. Since AI speed and efficient in accessing information, completing tasks, asking advice, and learning skills, people are less productivity and determined. Yet, the availability of the demand for university slots can challenge to put more effort into education to secure slots in universities. In other words, university admission often includes a high-stake examination where candidates can only rely on their own knowledge and ability, since using AI tools are prohibited in the exams.

1. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedWith the prevalence of Artificial Intelligence, a significant number of individuals, particularly the younger generation, have become overdependent on this technological innovation.

   The revised sentence provides a more direct and clear connection to the point being made.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedHowever, the increasing demand for university places may challenge individuals to put more effort into securing their positions.

   The revised sentence is more coherent and the meaning is clearer.

Furthermore, as the demand for universities rises, the most part of the world population can be knowledgeable and master different a set of skills through learning a range of subjects both theoretically and practically at university. The more qualified and skillful individuals there are, the more creative and breakthrough projects can be created in employment sectors, thus leading to economic development in many parts of the world. In China, for example, where a wide range of common products are manufactured and exported to numerous countries, thanks to the citizens’ creativity and intelligence which they usually develop at university.

1. Grammar & accuracy

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   RevisedThe presence of a high number of qualified and skilled individuals can lead to the creation of more innovative and groundbreaking projects in the employment sector, thereby contributing to economic development in many parts of the world.

   The revised sentence corrects the grammatical error and improves the clarity of the point being made.

2. Coherence & cohesion

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   RevisedFor instance, in China, the country's ability to manufacture and export a wide range of products is a testament to the creativity and intelligence fostered at the university level.

   The revised sentence provides a clearer and more direct connection to the point being made.

In conclusion, most people have a tendency to study at university now because of increasing the number of universities and employment opportunities. I believe this is a quite positive development, as the examples above suggest.

1. Lexical resource

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   RevisedIn conclusion, the growing number of universities and employment opportunities has led to a rising trend of people pursuing higher education.

   The revised sentence corrects the awkward phrasing and improves the clarity of the point being made.